At first i thought i wouldnt wanna post on this blog about yesterday night in the snow, so i told Jasmine to do it. I had to go to bed already anyway....I loved the snow. And I thought it was a blessing from God. When it snowed even more late at night, I really felt nice. But I didn't know that what I am thinking right now would be behind the snowfall....to put it in a simpler statement, in my heart and my mind, my grandmother's passing might have been the cause of the snowfall...
It was probably her happiness-of finally being let go of the grasps of pain that held her on that bed. She suffered from a stroke, due to high blood pressure...she lived with a deaf husband, my grandfather, who only realised her heart stopped beating at about 1am...
She passed at 10pm, doctors found out. The time when the snow got heavier. The time when I felt much better, thinking that I would have more snow to play with during the next day...But I curse the snow now...Probably only because I'm thinking of this metaphor....I was planning on going outside to play with the snow after I put my bags down...but when I stepped into the house, I saw my mum with red eyes and she muttered a soft "Your grandmother passed..." and I had all these thoughts rushing in my head....
You know what's sad and disappointing? The fact that none of us in the family could do anything to help her...All we did was go back to Malacca, saw her in pain, try to talk to her and go off to our dad's mum's place. And now I have the thought that my dad's side of the family is FUCKING SELFISH! We spend 98% of our time in Malacca with THEM. What about my mum's side?! WHAT ABOUT MY GRANDMOTHER!?!? We had a grandmother with STROKE and the most we could do was go and see her?! We only spent a couple of hours at the house, sitting there and trying to talk to her. She looked damn pitiful! When I last saw her, I knew what to expect. This. I knew it would come. Ever since what happened to my grandfather...But back to the point, I officially hate my dad's side of the family! Whenever we don't spend time with them, they'll come up to me and say "You don't love us anymore, is it? Aiyo, you all so bad one, don't spend time with your grandmother(dad's)" and in right now I knew I should've wacked them in the head and scream at them. I should've yelled "I HAVE A FREAKING GRANDMOTHER WHO HAS STROKE! NONE OF YOU ARE SICK OR ARE DYIN SO SCREW YOU BITCHES!"
I just have so many things to say...I'm sobbing while typing this and i'm feeling so much grief....This is the second time I have lost someone who really meant something to me. I changed my mind, I WILL enjoy the snow, only because snow brings joy, and because my grandmother brought me JOY after she passed, for us to be happy. She will bless us. She's in a better place and is happy she doesn't have to suffer the cruelty of this screwed up world we all live in.
Something else that's sad is that, well, my mum will be flying off to Malaysia tomorrow...and it disappoints me that I wont be there to see her for one last time...Screw this cruel sorry excuse for a planet....
婆婆。 我爱你。我们都会想念你的。对不起我们不多去见你，我真地很对不起。求求你原谅我们。再见，亲爱的外婆...
R.I.P. 外婆
-Jon (In Grief, Anger, Sadness and Sorrow)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment